An Eggtoots McStank dispatch, filed with ketchup-stained hands from the front seat of a rented Nissan, Biltmore Village, North Carolina. Friends, fellow travelers, and assorted ne'er-do-wells — I have news from the front lines. The McDonald's at 35 Hendersonville Road, Asheville, is not a McDonald's. It is a manor house that happens to sling McNuggets. Half-timbered English Tudor exterior. The sort of joint where you half expect a butler named Reginald to bring you your Filet-O-Fish on a silver tray, and, reader, I am only barely exaggerating — a cheerful young woman brought my tray to the table on a rolling cart, asked after my wellbeing, and topped off my Diet Coke without being asked. A player piano was playing in the corner. A PLAYER PIANO. I nearly tipped it. This is the closest Golden Arches to the Biltmore Estate, and the only fast-food establishment in America, as far as I can ascertain, with a sanitation rating of 99.5. Ninety-nine point five! My own kitchen does not rate a 99.5. This McDonald's would host a state dinner if asked. But I did not come for the Tudor beams. I came for the demon hunters. The HUNTR/X Meal: A Review in Four Movements For those of you who have not been kidnapped by an eleven-year-old and forced to watch KPop Demon Hunters on Netflix four consecutive times, here is what you need to know: there is a girl group that fights demons, there is a demon boy band that fights back, and McDonald's has decided that all of this cross-promotes beautifully with deep-fried potato cylinders. I, for one, salute the audacity. The Ramyeon McShaker Fries arrive in the classic red sleeve with a foil packet of seasoning you dump in and shake. Soy, garlic, sesame, a whisper of chili. Reader, I will tell you the truth: these taste like the fries you meant to have. The regular fry is a fine fry, a workmanlike fry, but the Ramyeon fry is a fry that has read a book. It has traveled. It has opinions about jazz. The ten-piece McNuggets are, and I will not lie to you, ten-piece McNuggets. They are exactly what they have always been and God bless them for it. The upgrade is the sauce situation. The Hunter Sauce is a sweet chili with enough backbone that it does not slide off the nugget like syrup off a waffle, and the Demon Sauce — a mustard the exact purple of a bruise or a cartoon villain's cape — is genuinely surprising. There is heat. There is tang. I dipped, I reflected, I dipped again. The "toy", such as it is, is a small pack of collectible photo cards (HUNTR/X on one meal, Saja Boys on the other) plus a Derpy access card with a QR code that unlocks app content. Is this a toy? No. Is it a piece of laminated cardstock that my kids fought over in the parking lot for eleven consecutive minutes? Yes. Verdict: functionally a toy. The Derpy McFlurry, a limited-time soft serve with wild berry sauce and little popping berry pearls, is — and I say this as a man who has opinions about soft serve — properly good. The popping pearls are the move. They burst. They startle. They delight. My wife took one bite and narrowed her eyes at me, which is how she signals that something has exceeded expectations. A Word On The Limited Window The promo runs through Saturday, April 26. That is five days from the posting of this dispatch, which means if you are reading this from a couch in Peoria thinking eh, I'll get to it, you will not get to it. Get to it. The Bottom Line Would I drive across the country for this McDonald's? No. But if you are at the Biltmore — and if you are in Asheville for any length of time you will be at the Biltmore, it is the law — swing through the Tudor-arched drive-thru on your way out. Order the HUNTR/X Meal. Shake the shaker. Tip the piano. The man at the next table was eating a Big Mac with a knife and fork. I did not stop him. Who am I to judge a man in his castle. Eggtoots out. ⚔️🍟
FastAsheville NC